My Experience With Cancer...Being Honest & Sharing Hope

So I’ve never really talked much about what it was like to have cancer.  I’m fighter, a leader, the one who keeps it together and holds others in place when they need it.  I’m still learning how to open up, be vulnerable, and tell the truth about me in order to help somebody elses road be a little easier.

But that’s why we go through difficult things in life, to become better people and to help others avoid the mistakes that we made or at least to show them how to get through tragedies quicker and with more dignity.

So I’m telling my story, tonight, during October which is breast cancer awareness month in hopes…that you will have compassion for someone who is going through something and you will reach out to offer help.  I hope that you will remember your loved ones who passed away from illnesses and remember their light, their joy and the good that they brought to the world…forgetting the sad times.  I hope that you will take just 1 small step to take better care of your health, while you thank God for the health you have.  And last..I hope that after reading this, each woman will schedule a mammogram and go.  It isn’t that scary really and it could save your life.  I know. It saved mine.

My mother had breast cancer when I was a child. It was more than 20 years ago and there were not as many options in medicine or technology.  I saw her go through years of pain, and I saw the effects of her treatment. I saw her lose her hair and get a double mastectomy, but back them reconstruction just wasn’t common. So I saw my mother struggle with how cancer changed her life. 

But I also saw a mom who was funny and light and playful.  She let us build forts in the house, run in the summer rain and she laughed all the time.  She was my very best friend in the entire world, as a teenager.  She was my world.  She was my mom.  She went to hang out in Heaven when I was 16.

It took many years to be ok with holidays and birthdays and life without her, but I got through it. It took time. 

Fast forward decades. I had gotten over the scars of watching someone you love die slowly and I thought of her often with smiles as I remembered the joy of my childhood with her. 

And then I went for a routine trip to the doctor for birth control pills. I was 42 and it was time for my refill. I had been on them for years. No big deal. I rushed in as I always do and the nurse practitioner  said politely, I’m not going to fill this…until you get a mammogram. It’s been 5 years and you have a family history. So when you get that done I will fill them for you.

I remember being so mad at her. I thought about going to another doctor just to get them because I didn’t have time, I was in a hurry, I was already a few days late and this was a major inconvenience.  I mean come on, she was someone I only saw once a year and I had never had health problems before, so this was just an annoyance. I thought she was being ridiculous.  But I scheduled a mammogram and I went.

And then that same nurse practitioner called me and said, I see something and it could be cancer.  I remember feeling instant fear inside; my head was a little fuzzy. I couldn’t believe what she said. I wanted answers. What were my chances, what were my options, what was I supposed to do & how much would all of this cost?  She didn’t have any.  She invited me back to the office to pick up a list of surgeons and I called the only 2 women on the list.  One didn’t answer my call and the other had staff that answered immediately and seemed eager to help.  They made me feel a little bit comfortable, as much as I could be.

I didn’t tell my family, including my boyfriend of 8 years, anything. I didn’t want them to worry if it was nothing. So I went to my appointment alone.  They did a biopsy, where they take just a little tissue out of your breast while you are wide awake on a table. There was a little anesthesia, I guess, but it sure wasn’t comfortable. I felt worried but optimistic.

A few days later I got another call. It was the surgeon and she wanted me to come in so she could discuss the results with me in person. Now I was really scared.  For the first time in a long time all the memories of my childhood came crashing back in my mind after I had worked so hard to let them go.  Would I end up like my mom? Would I have to go through everything she went through? What if I died?  I was only 42.

I had a talk with my boyfriend and told him that I had been going to a few doctor’s appointments because after a routine check up they weren’t sure if I had cancer, but they needed to see me.  I asked him to come with me and he did.  We went to the surgeon’s office and she told me…you have cancer.  I don’t remember everything she said after that.  I wanted to listen clearly, calmly, so I could be aware of my options and not jump to conclusions before there were any.  I asked a couple questions and she calmly explained that I had Phase 1 breast cancer and that there is actually a stage 0.  The good news was that they caught it early. The other news was that I would have to have surgery and probably radiation. They would know more after surgery. 

Then the whirlwind started, mostly because I had to tell people, at least those closest to me.  I told my brother and my sister and maybe one friend.  I didn’t even tell our neighbors who have a key to our house and walk our dog when we’re not home. I didn’t tell many people because I didn’t want THEM to be sad or uncomfortable. Also I didn’t know if I could keep it together for them if they asked too many questions.  So I quietly scheduled my surgery, told my boss I would be out for 2 weeks along with the reason and then proceeded to have about a million tests. OK, it wasn’t a million but when you have cancer they want to know what they are working with, so they truly take more tests than you can imagine. They test your bones, blood levels, everything. I guess they do it to ensure the greatest chance of success for you.  What it meant was many trips to the doctor, before the surgery and lots of days I had to leave work early with no explanation for my other co-workers.

On the outside I was mostly calm. On the inside I was mostly calm. I was learning to be an optimist and I was just believing that God would take care of it.  So I had the surgery.

I remember waking up and continually feeling like I was going to pass back out and I think I did once or twice.  It was out patient and they didn’t let me go home for a long time, longer than normal because I wasn’t coming out of the anesthesia quickly. I remember my boyfriend sitting next to me, holding my hand and getting nurses when I felt like I might pass out. It was probably very scary for him. He never said a word about how he felt, but I would be scared.  I could see the worry in his face, but he just stayed calm, for me, I guess.

My surgery was over. I had finished the tests and it was time to go home. I just slept for a few days. I hurt at night, but I just stayed in bed and slept and it seemed to pass.  One of the things I will remember for my entire life is my boyfriend washing my hair and giving me a bath after a few days. I didn’t have a nurse. He was it. He was so gentle and soft, listening closely to my every request and making sure to follow it so he didn’t hurt me.  That was a moment when I fell in love with him on a deeper level than ever before. I could see his love and it was bigger than any flowers or words could ever explain.

Over the next 2 weeks I rested and slowly healed.  There were a couple very minor complications but nothing big.  When I went back to see the surgeon, my boyfriend came too and we got good news. I was healing well. The cancer appeared to be gone & they were predicting good results. I wasn’t feeling much of anything inside. I was done with cancer…almost.

A few weeks later I learned that I had to go to radiation therapy for 6 weeks. That meant every day, Monday through Friday I had to go to a doctors office, go in a dimly lit room, lay on a table with my arm over my head while a machine moved around me like an x-ray. The technicians couldn’t be near the radiation that they were aiming directly into my body, so they left the room and stood behind a glass window, watching, monitoring me to make sure I was ok.  They had a speaker so they could talk to me, but mostly it was just soft music or quiet in the background…and this is when the fear showed up again.

Each day when I lay down I had to stretch muscles that had been cut, that hadn’t been used and that were fighting back when I tried to put my arm over my head for 10 minutes or so. It wasn’t pain but it sure was uncomfortable.  When you feel pain and you are alone in a dark room for just 10 minutes with nothing but your thoughts….it is a scary thing.  Like many people I have probably spent a good part of my life racing around so I don’t have to acknowledge feelings or slow down to see what’s really going on inside me…now I had to do it everyday for 6 weeks.

I remember being on the table, praying, asking for God to help me calm down and for some peace and I heard God’s reply.

Imagine an angel lying on top of you.  Close your eyes and see her laying on you, she is big and she is absorbing all the negative rays of light, while you only receive the healing part.

And then I heard…say these words…God I feel better than expected. I feel better than expected. I feel better than expected. THANK YOU GOD that I feel better than expected. Say them over and over, even if you don’t believe it.

So that’s what I did. I found I didn’t really think about having cancer much when I was out in the world…I only worried and feared when I was forced to get quiet and face them head on, all alone…only I wasn’t alone. God was there with me all the time & so was that angel.

I’m thankful.  I hate that I had to face those fears from my childhood at all. I mean, God, wouldn’t it have been easier for me to see a movie on the topic instead of having to live it?  I thought so…but God wanted me closer to Him, so I could really be healed of the new scars and the old hurts.

Yes, cancer did change me. It brought me closer to God. It helped me stand up to my fears and I rarely fear cancer anymore. Why would I? I had it. I had surgery. It’s gone now. And I know I have an angel who is there to heal my body and my mind anytime I need it. I only need to see her, imagine her, and thank God that any area I want to thank God for in advance is better than expected. I have to continue to say that and I’m finding that things do end up that way…better than expected.

The physical pain of cancer was not as great for me as it is for many others.  I didn’t go through chemotherapy.  I didn’t lose my breasts or my hair.  I didn’t struggle physically for years.  But I did face my fears. I did stand face to face with something that COULD HAVE BEEN life threatening….and I won.

I can’t find that nurse practitioner who forced me to get a mammogram several years ago. But if she wouldn’t have…I may not have been here today.  So thank you medical professionals…for saving our lives, and standing up to bossy girls who just want to rush in and rush out. You are saving lives. You saved mine.

A mammogram is just a test. If it’s negative you go on with your life.  If it’s positive you take steps to correct it and then go on with your life. Parts of it may be scary and very unknown. I didn’t have perfect faith before and I don’t have it now…but after going through what I went through I’m a better person because of it and now I can help other women more deeply than before.

So it’s my prayer, as I reveal the truth about myself, that you (men and women) would take steps to have better health.  It is my prayer that you would get tested regularly for things that you know you need to be tested for.  And it is my prayer that everyone reading this would be able to let go of old scars so you can look someone in the face who is struggling and hold out your hand.

I am so lucky and blessed that I had a much easier road than some. Whatever your situation…as someone who has had cancer, still has cancer or if you just love someone with cancer….I love you. I feel you. I may understand and know just a little about what you are going through. Because at the end of the day you don’t have to have a life threatening disease to teach you how to love, how to have more compassion or how to help others. At the end of it all I learned that I gotta let people HELP ME sometimes and that it’s ok not to keep it all together…so what if I lose it.  I also got a chance to see love IN ACTION all around me. What a gift…far beyond words…beyond time…beyond anything I could have ever thought to ask for.

Life is good. Live it. Enjoy each day. Take care or yourself. And have compassion for everyone around you. Give love people. Give love.

(Last..My boyfriend is now my husband. I am healed. And when I asked my doc how I was doing, he told me that I am a model case and have had almost no side effects (because I healed better than expected.)  Pray for everyone around you.  We all need prayer (which is just love noticing the need for action.)